I am at a low, feeling over-burdened, sad, at a loss. If this is my gift; to raise 2-special needs boys (I’ve barely mentioned my younger child , shame on me!), to work full time for much of the year, and to stay happily married on top of it all, then I want a temporary re-call of this tall order. Not for forever, doesn’t even have to be long, but a small tiny respite that can give me a chance to stop moving, and breathe. I am prone to anxiety, anger and depression. I take medication, meditate regularly, spend time with friends, exercise, eat healthy, and imbibe in the (more than) occasional vice. I do a lot for myself, yet I still feel depleted….
I really need a break from being in charge of so many important things……
I am stretched thin like a rubber-band, and filled taut like a giant water balloon. Today at work, I found out I had to take on 3 more things that I wasn’t expecting. My balloon grew so suddenly, I had to sit down to make room. Luckily, I have not exploded yet!
But I see myself teetering, and feel myself wondering how my brain can hold so many important details, how my heart can hold so much worry and pain, before it weakens from all that weight. Everything seems so gigantic and impossible to accomplish, explosion truly seems imminent. But just because life becomes heavy, and larger than I feel I can hold, it does not mean I don’t have the strength or courage to try. For me this means shifting my thinking away from the details, away from the heaviness of life, to something light……..
Beauty and joy, beauty and joy, beauty and joy………………..This is what the hummingbird sings. This is what I must try to find amidst the heaviness, amidst the fullness I feel in my brain. Beauty and joy, beauty and joy, beauty and joy………Oddly, as I was in my yard thinking of the ways I might connect with these gifts, I thought of my 5 year old son Aiden, who was busy tying toys to our lemon tree. Aiden can be so delightfully fun, he popped in my mind instantly. But it is both my children, him included, that currently weigh me down.
Beauty and joy, beauty and joy, beauty and joy…………………. in and out, like each breath I take, in and out, until it becomes so automatic, beauty and joy find me……
For Louis, my son, who is currently struggling with friendships; Or anyone out there who relates:
Connection is what is important. In friendship we come, we go, we come again, and we go again. Attraction is more powerful than opposition, and friendship a stronger bond than anger. May each end of the spectrum, quiet forgiveness on one side, silent humility on the other, learn from one another and grow. Each of these separate (forgiveness and humility), breed compassion. Together they make connection.
I understand, dear boy, how hard it is.