It looks like we are buying a new, bigger house! It has been a long and stressful process that is almost over, with every bump in the road rearing its ugly head along the way. I am sooo excited! Our family will have more living space, a bigger yard. We are not moving very far, and what we know as local and our community will not change. We have the fortunate advantage of enjoying many beautiful updates the previous owners have done to the property. Sooo excited, yes!
Yet my heart has begun to break.
How do I say good-bye to this tiny plot of Earth that has flourished as I have flourished?
Each of this garden’s lush plants and flowers has been a direct reflection of my own inner lushness. I am beautiful, regenerative and self-feeding. When dead leaves fall beneath a plant, they decompose, becoming food for the very thing that gave it life. I love this life-cycle! How can I feed myself from the parts of me that are dying, dead, or failing to thrive?
Compost for the soul. By nurturing myself as I would any plant in my garden, I can turn what is dying or dead into something lush and healthy.
That means facing it, giving it attention, and not being afraid of what comes next.
I have grown up at this house. I have experienced some of the most profound suffering I have known, as well as pure, utter joy. I have connected to spirit in ways I couldn’t have imagined. I can feel the grief well up inside of me as I write these words. Yet it’s time to move on.
Cerridwen has been coming to me. Cerridwen is a Celtic Welsh Goddess, whose symbol is the cauldron. She is the Crone, the wisest aspect of the Triple Goddess, with some stories claiming her to be both mother and /crone. In her cauldron, which is also a symbol of the womb/creation, brews eternal knowledge about the oneness of life. No fears, no inhibitions, just pure connection. No hiding from issues when Cerridwen is around! She will help you face what is hard, and when you do, she will reward you with knowledge, metamorphosis and transformation. She is the second phase of why the butterfly has appeared in my life (see http://runninginwater.com/2013/02/15/a-story-to-tell/ for more about butterfly). It is time to let go of negative patterns of living, to finally face what is hard with my family of origin, to open myself to intimacy and all of the painful feelings that accompany, to put both feet in the circle of my crazy family, and to completely open myself to Spirit.
I feel tremendous energy. I have done rituals that have felt so at home, they may as well have been family tradition. I feel such old, old energy that is deeply connected to worshipping the Earth….so much is here for us, yet most of us remain unconnected.
This move is all part of metamorphosis. My time at this house is done. My garden is full; there would be no room to plant anything new, as every imaginable spot is already taken with something so beautiful, I couldn’t stand the thought of making a change. I cherish this property, this garden, and the energy that has seen me through some of the toughest times I have known. I went into this house 9 years ago barely liking it, noise conscious, expecting my first child. The year was 2004, and by 2006 we had our second child. The early years were hard, with Louis’s aggression raging full force (see http://runninginwater.com/2012/08/11/my-story/ for more about Louis). The garden was created, although neglected during this time. Then we made a small addition, just enough to give me/us breathing room, and slowly life began to change. I gave the garden the attention it desperately needed, and it too began to transform. During this time I began to write, create art, and meditate. I went on medication, got my children into therapy, and got myself there too. Metamorphosis trifold. What will emerge from all of this, I do not know.
What I do know, is that the transformation process is not over.
And that it will take more than one blog post to truly say good-bye.