This is what I see when I come out of meditation in front of my zen garden outside. It’s even more startlingly beautiful when I am jolted out of meditation, such as I was today when my little black dog barked in my ear. I am flored by this beauty. Something so easy to own, a flowering part of the Earth, does this for me. I swoon on my knees in my garden repeatedly, it is that healing. And anything that healing must have all the answers. So here is what I know:
There is no act that is not worth forgiving. Part of experiencing deep joy and startling beauty is being able to forgive, especially oneself. How can a world providing such intense beauty not be available to everyone? Forgiveness softens the edges, brings out the colors, makes everything brighter and more soulful than before. You can’t really experience all there is without forgiveness. All that icky stuff takes up so much space it dulls the senses, leaving a mere hint of what is really out there.
And for me, a person in the absolute throws of addiction issues, forgiveness is most important. If I didn’t forgive myself I think I would rot from the inside out. I can even imagine what this feels like: an extension of my darkest moments becoming bigger and more amplified, so that it is the darkness, not the beauty, that becomes a way of life. I don’t even want to go there.
I want to forgive myself, no matter how many times I mess up or make mistakes. I want to be as honest and truthful as I know my highest self already is. I want to continue to strive for the light, color, extraordinariness that tingles from my head to my toes, the mere moment I look at my garden. I want to brush off the dirt, again and again, every time I stumble, no matter how bad, how socially inappropriate, how alienating it may be. I want to forgive myself because the alternative sucks. And because I know that it’s vital that I do, that I am worth it. A wonderful friend told me this today:
“Sending you the violet flame of compassion.
A love that comes with strong and fierce commitment to yourself
and those most important to you. Trusting that you have the power and resources you need within you,
to not only make it through this day,
but to also stand for the highest possibilities of your life, and fully liberate yourself from any past patterns that have held you back. It matters. And you matter. And you can do this.
And reach out for support when you need it. There is a wise and powerful circle of sisters standing with you and for you.”
And during meditation today, as I put all my intention around finding my deepest truth with this issue, I was told this:
“You need to be on your path.” When I asked,
“What path is that?” I was told, “Your path is The path. It’s the path you are on. “
I am exactly where I should be, nor matter how much I want to say I can be better, or more than I Am. Even if there is a part of me that wants to beat me up from the inside out.
I am going to continue to forgive, and strive for the light.
Photography By Diana Ray