I received such an outpouring of love from so many beautiful souls with my last post (http://runninginwater.com/2014/07/22/love-letter/). It made me realize how incredibly healing it is to express my complete essence and have it witnessed and mirrored by others. I have experienced such an alchemical week. It was only last Monday that I sat down and wrote my love letter, the conscious decision to walk toward the light vs. collapse into darkness. Since then I have had a major shift with how I think and view myself. It began as a string of events which I will share with you now.
The day after I wrote the love letter, I sat with my Shamanic teacher and shared with her my feelings. She insisted we journey together, so I laid myself down on the sofa with music and headset, pressed play on a 10 minute drumming session, and closed my eyes. The question suggested by my teacher was about the darkness and why it was there.
Immediately I saw myself in tribal wear, standing on the backs of crocodiles as we rode down the river. A long line of these ancient, reptile creatures extended both in front and behind me as we flowed in rhythm to the moving water. I felt strong and powerful as I stood tall, a staff in my left hand standing at my side. I felt incredibly empowered, a feeling I had not experienced in a long time.
I sat with this experience for the next 2 days, not fully understanding. I received an anointing (an ancient practice of using essential oils, crystals and tuning forks to move energy) from a priestess sister and afterward sat with the sister who had worked on my body. As she talked my journey suddenly became clear, as if someone was narrating words to a short video. She told me to wear my depression and intense feelings like a badge of armor, something to own and find power in. As she talked I felt the empowerment rush in, that feeling of standing tall on the backs of crocodiles as we rode down the river. I suddenly knew that I could handle all of it, the intensity of the ride in this human body, the depression, the anger, the anxiety. I was not a victim. I could do it.
The next day I set aside time to meditate and made a sand-painting, something I had been desiring to create. Here is a picture:
Like the journey, the sand painting is making itself known in bits and pieces. There is a central vertical line running from top to bottom that has direct meaning for me: the red rock on the bottom center is tiger iron, charged by an ascended master.* It represents the first 3 chakras, those that need the most healing in my body. Above that is my butterfly of transformation and above that my favorite crystal, pink quartz. Pink quartz is special to me, as it represents the giver and receiver of unconditional love, something I am working on in this life time. Above this is a rock that was a gift from my husband, a being I love deeply and want to deepen with. The rest makes a beautiful design that is ultimately crowned by a dolphin and sea shells. I saw dolphins yesterday at the beach and was overcome with tearful beauty. It pierced my heart as it washed through me.
The next day I sat in ceremony with the Wise Woman/Crone. Her message is one of letting go, of becoming a witness to one’s own ego. It is a lesson in impartiality, as the Wise Woman/Crone does not get triggered by life’s many difficulties. She knows that life is going to happen anyway so you might as well take it with grace and a sense of humor. Today has been a day of high anxiety. I sat down to meditate with Kuan Yin, the Goddess of Compassion, yet it was not She who heeded my call. It was the Wise Woman/Crone who appeared, helping me dissolve my feelings of stress as her relaxed demeanor became liquid running through my veins. It was She who helped me get through the day.
I am a spiritual warrior. I live with depression, addiction and find parenting more challenging than I ever could have imagined (http://runninginwater.com/2012/08/11/my-story/ ; http://runninginwater.com/2012/11/18/my-storymy-other-son/). Like many, I have a wounded past and have stood outside my life for most of my existence. My quest this year has been one of total integration, of finding authentic presence.
I am going to continue to ride crocodiles down the river. To call in the Wise Woman when I feel myself falter. To pave this spiritual path I walk with my own footprints, no matter how frantic or angry or depressed are my steps. I am going to continue to share my experience with others, for my life to become the mirror of oneness that binds us all as soul brothers and sisters. I beckon you, walk with me.
Diana Ray/April Aronoff
Photography By Diana Ray
*For info on charged tiger iron and the ascended master, go to : http:// tdjacobs.com