Feeling really, really shaky. After a few weeks of finding and settling into my inner light, I am back on the roller coaster of intense anxiety. It’s such a disappointment to be here so soon, although I am not surprised. After almost 15 years at the same job, I am aware that I am miserable and that something needs to shift. This feels scary, and I recognize I have not had to contend with this before. The misery is starting to wrap itself around my brain and body, leaving me with issues such as chronic stomach pain (going on 7 days now) and noise sensitivity. It feels like a big black hole that wants to suck me in…
Except it can’t. I won’t let it. I remember so vividly about 4 weeks ago feeling completely depressed, feeling like that too wanted to chew me up and spit me out. Yet so much powerful medicine blew into my life the moment I wrote that post, that those feelings became completely transmuted one week later. And while my present feelings are different (nervous anxiety vs. heavy depression), the process is the same. There is something going on in my life that is out of balance. It reverberates through both my physical and spiritual body leaving me feeling ill, upset and like nothing is manageable. This is where it is really important not to wallow, to remember that this too, is medicine. What would be the antidote to this situation? Finding a job that I find meaningful and fulfilling. How do I accomplish this? By pooling together the magic I know I have within me, the magic that lies in Mother Earth, and turning myself over to this energy. This will involve me physically looking for another job. But it will also involve me finding strength and empowerment as I go through this process, which will inevitably be stressful. I must believe that where I stand, in the fire of this discomfort, is part of the journey to fulfillment. My body and spirit are ready for more, evident by the retching they are doing in response to my current situation. Space is opening, despite my constriction….
So I begin here. First thing is going to be focusing on my health. Clearing up my GI issues and getting back on track to good sleep must come first. Soon I’m going to cast a spell to bring health and wellness into my life. Then I am going to get some herbs for my stomach. After this the work becomes more nebulous. Working with the new/full moon, creating a job catcher (I had a house catcher when we were finding a new home), making offerings to the Earth, creating affirmations, visualizing fully how I want to feel at my work, and of course, asking for prosperity as I am half of my households’ income.
I must connect with the medicine that is inherent in this process. Struggle always contains medicine, most often the exact medicine required to transmute the struggle itself. I made a vow to be a spiritual warrior, to not collapse or be a victim of life’s endless challenges. I have found the light within myself, and I have connected to this feeling. I refuse to let it go.
Diana Ray/April Aronoff
Photography by Diana Ray