August Flower Bowl/Here

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 (dahlia, pansy, dianthus, heliotrope, wallflower, snapdragon, viola, scabiosa, peppermint, spearmint)

Ok, so I am here.  Here is a place I hate to be.  It’s a place of burn-out, of fatigue, of extreme sensory sensitivity.  Traffic noises that did not bother me a year ago when we bought our beautiful home are now driving me crazy.  I am completely burnt out with my job and know that needs to change.  I have wild fears around that, as I barely manage and have no commute and my summers off.

This reminds me completely of an earlier time in my life, when I was also going through a different spiritual crisis that left me tortured by noise.  And there was more noise, as we were living in apartments.  We moved 4 times in 3 years, until finally I found some peace in a small rental house.  I was also delving deep, doing intense therapy and drawing tarot cards, asking myself “why” I was so noise sensitive.  Eventually it became clear:  I sat down and wrote my parents a letter addressing all my unresolved issues with them.  In addition, I also went back to a time in my life when I was an adolescent and in love with the family next door.  They were a close, loving family, who were practicing Jehovah’s Witnesses.  For a spiritual, love hungry junkie like me I was fixed, and over time I adopted their religion.  When my parent’s found out many years later the sit hit the fan.  I was forbidden to go next door and we moved within a year.

This was brought into my awareness by my then student husband who was taking a radio broadcast class and wanted to tell my story on the air.  So I did.  My husband narrated the piece, with live clips of me talking about my experience.  We used pseudonyms.  I was nervous, but it was very healing.

What happened with my parents and the letter was not so healing.  My mother cried and ranted, although in the end said she loved me.  My father pulled away from me completely, as I said some pretty damning things.  This lasted for a few months, until I conceived my older son.  My father loves his grandchildren almost more than his own.  It was the bridge that brought us back together.

So what is the connection?  What am I to gain from knowing that I felt compelled to tell this story of my past?  For it rumbles within my present.  What I went through before was something I called “soul work.”  (A whole other story itself).  I sense deep down I am being called to this again, to soul work.

I have been through this before, and know the gig.  The only way out is through the shadows, into what is most challenging on a soul level.  Now I know why the butterfly appeared 2 years ago; I am finally ready for metamorphosis.

I know I will need to find stillness within myself, which will involve hard choices.  Not something I did so well back then, which is intimidating.  But as my Shaman tells me, “You are stronger than you think.”  I can only hope that in the act of reinventing myself, my senses calm.

Not sure what happens next, but I do know is this:  I must continue to lie on the Earth, to allow her strength to both nourish and relive me.  I have been doing this in the backyard, under a passion-flower vine.  Although my back-yard is loud (quite a quandary for me, as this is where my garden is, and I am an Earth Keeper) that is where the sweet spot is.  May I find peace soon 🙂

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Diana Ray/April Aronoff

Photography By:  Diana Ray

7 thoughts on “August Flower Bowl/Here

  1. I have been where you are, when you wrote this post. One thing I remember learning in my years of therapy is that life does not flow in a single line, from point A to point Z. Somehow we think it does, and that once we move past something in our life, we are leaving it behind. Then it comes back up, and we are frustrated to be there again! In fact, life moves and progresses in a spiral. As we get older, we revisit things from our past with new and more experienced eyes and understandings. At some of these points on the spiral we learn to forgive. At other points, we learn to let go. This idea has helped me to understand what is going on when I have recurring dreams or nightmares. Or when I feel a change is coming soon. I know that then I need to clear my meridian channels and get a lot of rest and peace and quiet. Most recently, I found my self in a profound depression, and even though I had “peace and quiet” around me, there was no quiet in my mind, and no peace in my soul. I needed to move, and I needed to be cared for. My sister and my dad moved me into my parents house where my parents cared for me, until I was able to get some medical help. Once that was worked out, I began to find myself again. Just having a clear mind and a lot of sleep helped me find the peace I needed, which had always, always, been inside me. Now I have the strength to reinvent myself, at age 54, to begin my life again. This depression was probably my 3rd Dark Night. I accept that there may be more. What I want you to know is this: During these times, it is NORMAL to be sensitive to noise, loud or not, anything other than pure quiet that is restful quiet is too loud! I think you are doing good medicine for yourself by lying in that sweet spot in the garden, keeping your grounding with the Earth ( I often go barefoot, even in church!). Just remember that your life is a spiral, (this will help you with explaining life to your children) and that the peace you are seeking resides inside you, it is already there! As you reflect on gratefulness, express gratitude for that peace, and it will magnify to the level that you are needing. Blessings, my sister,

    • What a sweet sharing of your life :). Time has past, and I am much better. I am no longer as sensitive to noise and I have made peace with my job (for the moment.) The biggest thing for me now is dealing with my addiction issues and finally letting go of some crutches that no longer serve me. I know that peace lies within me, that what I look for is inside me. Right now I am blocked and my energy stuck, but I am choosing to be accepting of myself. On the equinox, I am going to be making an intention. One that I know will invite shadow into my life. Its ok though 🙂 I want and need this.

      • Do you know how to unblock yourself and release the stuck energy? I feel it is important that you do that, in order to be able to handle the shadow you are inviting in. Do you have access to a Reiki Practitioner? Some massage therapists also do Reiki, and can unblock you very quickly. They find the exact chakra that is blocked, which will then tell you the area of your life that needs to be addressed, but balancing the blocked chokra will help you to address those issues, and also balancing all the chokras will release your energy flow. You might find a practitioner by googling it for your city. If you can’t find one, and this interests you, get back to me and I will help you research on the possibility of doing it for yourself. Just let me know! I am glad to hear that you are doing better in general since you first wrote that blog piece. My heart went right out to you! Blessings and Love.

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